Talking to a Loved One About Senior Living, Part One: What Not to Say
Discussing senior living, or the possibility of moving to a community, with an aging loved one is not always a conversation that family members have with confidence. Most caregivers fear their loved one will resist the idea or assume they’re trying to abandon them. Some families find the conversation too uncomfortable, anticipate conflict, or prefer to avoid it altogether.
Putting off the senior living topic may seem like the best choice in the moment, but when a loved one’s care needs necessitate a change, having a productive conversation about a move becomes essential. Address this sensitive subject with care and help your loved one feel seen and heard by avoiding common phrases that can trigger negative emotions or frustration. In this article, we’ll discuss what not to say when talking to your loved one about senior living.
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- How to consider your approach and encourage open dialogue about senior living options.
- Discover what not to say when having a conversation about senior living with an older loved one.
- Help your loved one understand how a move can be beneficial.
[This article is Part One in a two-part series. Part Two will feature open-ended questions and guidance for caregivers to initiate a conversation about senior living with a loved one.]
If you’re caring for an aging loved one and having an honest discussion about senior living options, start by considering your approach. How you approach this conversation can impact your loved one’s ability to see the value in making a change. Or it may cause them to dig in their heels and become even more opposed to the idea of a move. So, what is a caregiver to do?
Lead the conversation with empathy. First, consider your loved one’s perspective. Have they recently lost a spouse or partner? Are they experiencing health issues that affect their mood or daily comfort? Do they have strong opinions about staying in their home? Position yourself to listen and understand their perspective. This will help affirm your commitment to supporting their independence and respecting their preferences.
Be Patient. As a caregiver, it’s easy to assume what might be “best” for your loved one, but offering your loved one time to choose this option for themselves can be helpful. Ask them open-ended questions about their daily experiences at home, what they love or don’t love about living alone, or what might make them feel happiest.
Lovingly sharing your concerns. While it may be true that your loved one can no longer live alone safely, you don’t want to stir up fear or anger with statements that make them feel less than capable. Listen to and validate their concerns. Ask timely questions, seek transparent answers, and engage in heartfelt dialogue, avoiding the phrases below.
What Not to Say When Talking to Your Loved One About Senior Living
When encouraging open-mindedness with your loved one, specific comments and statements, while well-intentioned, can shut down dialogue or hurt a loved one’s confidence. Here are some common phrases to avoid and simple suggestions for approaching the conversation gently.
“You can’t be alone anymore.”
Most older adults are keenly aware of what they can and cannot do as they get older. Often, it’s admitting the fact that they “can’t” do something anymore, which can be the most difficult. Hearing a family member say “you can’t” is a discouraging reminder that they may be losing not only independence but also control. Instead of threatening their autonomy and taking an accusatory tone, have them reflect on how they feel about living alone.
“You can barely manage on your own.”
Even if this statement is shared in genuine concern, it may feel like you’re diminishing your loved one’s ability to live independently, when ultimately, your goal is to support them. While it may be best for your loved one to receive some support, focus on how they feel about managing their daily routine. Give them a chance to voice their frustrations regarding household responsibilities, daily tasks, and managing their health and safety needs. Ask them how they might benefit from a helping hand.
“You’ll love it; it will be just like home.”
Home is a very special place with many irreplaceable memories. Avoid being too quick to say your loved one will love their new home as much as their longtime home. For many senior living residents, living in a community feels warm, welcoming, and comfortable, and becomes “home” after settling in over a short time. But nothing can ever compare to the home they are leaving behind as they move to a new community. Be honest and straightforward about this with your loved one, respect their definition of home, and see the experience as a fresh new chapter.
“You need to downsize.”
Most older adults want to downsize on their own timeline, and not one that is decided for them. Ask them if they have ever thought about the process and invite them to share their thoughts on it. What kind of assistance would they want/need? Have they ever considered living in a different kind of space that would be easier to manage on a day-to-day basis? What would that look like?
“It’s only a matter of time before…”
No one wants to be reminded about the “what-ifs” that happen as we age. While a loved one may eventually experience a fall, require a hospital stay, or need additional care, it’s important to respect your loved one’s independence and dignity as much as possible. Rather than speaking to them as if they only have a short time to live or as if moving to a community is moving to the last place they will “live out their days,” encourage short-term goal setting. Talk about a senior living move as one small step on their journey and emphasize that the best is yet to come.
“You need too much help.”
Caregivers feeling overwhelmed may easily identify with this statement, but it’s best to avoid sharing this honestly with your loved one. No one wants to feel like they are a burden on others. In fact, some seniors refuse to share concerns about their health and independence because they fear family members will find their needs too burdensome. Ask your loved one what kind of support would make life easier for them and relieve daily stress.
“I only want what’s best for you.”
This phrase, often shared with the best intentions, can make a loved one feel like you’re pushing them into something they haven’t agreed to yet. Seek to understand your loved one’s idea of what is “best” for them and focus on shared goals, such as safety, comfort, prolonged independence, a healthy lifestyle, and staying socially connected. Reinforce your commitment to supporting their health, independence, and dignity, and ensuring they are in the best environment to thrive. “I’m here for you,” or “I want you to feel confident and well-equipped to live as independently as you can each day,” can communicate your care and concern without patronizing them.
Starting a conversation about senior living is not an easy task, but avoiding comments like these, rather than upsetting a loved one, can help caregivers and their families approach this delicate topic with greater comfort and confidence.
Exploring the Benefits of a Senior Living Move
Helping a loved one realize the benefits of a move to senior living may take time. But with patience and support, you’ll be able to successfully start the conversation and support the needs of your loved one along the way.
If you find that apprehension about a move is connected to your loved one’s fear of losing their independence, visiting a community can help! In fact, touring a community is one of the best ways to experience the benefits of senior living. Seniors who have the opportunity to walk around a community, meet other residents, ask pointed questions, and even try a short-term stay often make the decision to move—and they don’t regret it.
Communities offer a vibrant lifestyle for older adults to live as independently as possible, with access to support and assistance when needed. They provide an abundance of daily services and amenities, unique life-enrichment opportunities, and the undisputable advantage of social connection.
For older adults struggling to maintain their independence, moving to a community can relieve the stress of managing a challenging home environment. When a loved one’s care needs change and they require more support than a family member is able to provide, access to assistance and healthcare services can be easily put in place. And for a loved one who is lonely, the benefit of camaraderie in a community can help them stay active and motivated.
Before unexpected health changes or logistical challenges make the need for a move imperative, explore the options at your own pace and experience relationship-centered senior living at any of our Cardinal Bay communities in Central Texas or Oklahoma.
Cardinal Bay senior living experts are here to provide the guidance you need as you support your senior loved one. See how senior living is designed to enhance seniors’ total wellness, or subscribe to our blog to explore our free, insightful resources dedicated to helping seniors and their caregivers.